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It’s such a strange, bizarre and surreal world, life… We are born innocent and with out any choice. Some of us more fortunate than others. The last 2 1/2 years has shown me more than I could of ever possibly imagined in so many ways. I was told my most horrible circumstances would also teach me the most unique and life altering things. I have learnt: 1. Life is only what YOU make it. People will walk in and out but you remain your own best friend. 2. Your children will be your biggest headache yet your biggest support and most trusting little lives you will ever have. 3. Relationships are worth the pain and heartache until you have nothing left to give but your soul, mine belongs to god. 4. Everyday will bring at least one special moment. But it will not poke you in the eye, you have to look deeper to find it. This has taught me to stay alert for that one special moment. 5. Be grateful for being alive, some people don’t get that opportunity as long as they want and wish for. 6. Good things come to good people, don’t judge others. Look in your own backyard we are only human, better humans treat people with equality and respect. 7. When people do cruel heartless things to you, smile and wave. You don’t need to sink to their level or feel like shit because of their own paranoid problems. 8. Be happy in your own skin, noone is perfect. Beauty comes from your personality and your own acceptance. 9. Take time to breathe, if things are tough, remind yourself there is always someone doing it tougher. 10. Love is more powerful than any material possession. It’s earnt with respect and kept with trust. Lost with ignorance. Spencer reminds me everyday how fragile life is. I watch him in the cold hours of the night struggling to breath, to sleep….to dream. Yet he wakes with the most special and heart warming smile that tears my heart to shreds. How can a child so small with so many issues not face the day crying, devour the day whining? No sleep, can’t eat properly, no great weight gain, can’t taste or smell, hearing loss and the future in surgeons hands. But he paces this earth with resilience, courage, an energetic wanting for something new. Each day learns something and is happy to just play and communicate and be a devil. Such a warrior.. Such a passionate and loving kid, for that I stay true to myself and return his smile. Life will not always go as planned, but how can you plan something that will take its own course anyway. You just keep going and hope that at the end of the day the people you love know how you feel and your kids know your there for them regardless. What matters will shine through what doesn’t. Those who will be in your life will push to be, those who don’t become shadows in the street you walk past. Spencer’s condition was something that took a while to completely accept and become used to. It was the most painful experience and those feelings still take up the depths of my heart and lay dormant in my head. But his condition today is something I am so relaxed with. It is what it is. Nothings going to change him, and truthfully I wouldn’t want it too change. He is Spencer Blackhall, a name like my other children, a blood line the same as my other kids, a wacky, whistfull attitude and a personality that will drive him through the most severe surgeries but may also allow him to meet all types of beings… And find love himself one day. I pray every night that he will have a wonderful, adventurous and charismatic life. I pray he will be accepted into this strange and sometimes horrible world. But I pray mostly that he knows how much he is loved by me, his dad, his siblings and by so many others. Just for being himself.
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 210. That is the number of days we got to look upon your beautiful face. We are so grateful for the 210 days you gave us. We know you fought so hard for all of them.
In 210 days we learned more about love, beauty, life, and family than in all of the days before combined. That is what you taught us, not the hospital lingo or the mechanical workings of the human heart but love, gratefulness, happiness and pure joy. We always worry that people will remember you for your illness when it is your radiant joy that set you apart and made you so special. How lucky we are to be the ones chosen for you and to call you ours. It is a weird journey through grief that you find yourself feeling so lucky and so broken at the same time. Today you have been gone for 210 days. Tomorrow you will have been gone longer than you were here. But no matter of time could ever diminish your light. Like today and everyday since you have been gone we will face each day with a grateful broken heart and look for the beauty and joy you showed us was there. ❤️🐞❤️ |
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January 2018
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